As much as this pains me, I am going to share. I did promise to share “the good, the bad and the ugly,” yes? It’s a journey.
Let me give you the back story… well, just a little (because the FULL backstory will eventually become the topic for a later post or two or three or ten.) I have recently changed “meds.” I am not talking merely adding a nice little pill here and stopping a quaint little pill there. I’m talking coming off some kick my butt prescriptions the chemicals in my brain had learned to depend on for TEN years drugs because I refused to go on any other pills. I’ll be honest, truth be told, they weren’t specifically designed to treat bi-polar illness; however, coupled with the migraine preventative medication I take (which in clinical trials have been shown to help those who suffer from mania so the FDA approved it for such and it just so happens to help prevent migraines so I say, “heck yeah! 2 birds with one pill! Sign me up!”) I was managing. The problem was, short term drugs were just that, short term drugs. They were not designed for long term use. Not only did my body grow addicted to them but it wanted more and more of them to work AND since they were not designed to treat the actual “condition” I was using them for, they were growing less and less effective each passing year. The older I got, my “madness” seemed to grow more and more “mad” and managing it was getting harder and harder. Logic and intelligence pointed to either getting proper “drugs” that could assist or suffer needlessly and inevitably allow the madness to overcome not just my mind but me.
Enough about drug specifics for this post… just know for now, I am in the middle of a “drug shake up.” It is not fun. Actually, it is quite frustrating. Talk about a mood trigger. I would think that a trained medical professional would know this, especially one who is prescribing the drugs. I guess that is what I get for thinking, huh? Then, too, maybe there is part of the issue, I think.
Now, I am smart enough to know that I was born with my heart on my sleeve, a fire in my soul and a mouth I can’t control. That is why I am proud to say that I believe in God the Father, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe in the crucification, I believe in the resurrection, I believe that He conquered death and I believe that He is coming back again. I believe He died for my sins. I believe the only way to the Father is thru the Son. I believe the Holy Spirit endowed me with at least one powerful Spiritual Gift and I believe He is with me at all times. I believe I can endure all things thru He that strengthens me. I believe I am a sinner and I am saved by Grace. I believe God is the same yesterday as He is today and will be tomorrow. He will not fail me. I am a living testimony to Him.
It is because of my faith that I am able to manage my madness. It is my faith that allows me to control “it” and not allow “it” to control me. You see, God makes no mistakes. (I think I have covered this topic previously.) Let’s be clear – I do not merely say these things – I believe them. It is hard at times. Yes, I have cried out to God and asked Him to “fix me.” I have asked Him to “quiet my mind.” I have asked Him to comfort me and to give me peace. I’ve also asked for some sleep. God knows what I need. And believe it or not, He does provide.
Getting back to my topic… this week I had the pleasure of seeing my Drug Doctor (he doesn’t really like being called that but technically, that is what he is.) When I was getting ready to leave, I was handed the orders for my blood work. On the order was printed this visit’s assessment of me. Do you know what it said? Well, I am going to tell you. And I quote, “Bipolar Disorder, current episode depressed, severe, with psychotic features.”
WHAT? As I stood there, I immediately wanted to scratch his eyeballs out. I knew, however, in a neuropsychiatric clinic located directly adjacent to a major medical facility after having just being accessed with THAT, it might not be a good idea. Think about it. Can you see the 6:00 news? “Psychotic Woman in local clinic attacks doctor” then the inevitable will be said, “She was bi-polar.” Oooooh, THAT makes sense now. Well, she couldn’t help herself. The psychotic bat just gave in to her “urges.” Poor Doctor. He has to deal with those, those, people.
Back up the boat for a minute. In that moment, I know the Holy Spirit quickly moved His arm from my shoulder and quickly placed his hand over my mouth. Kudos to Him. I smiled. (Proverbs 21:23, “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” Too bad I don’t do that all the time.) I proceeded to my car where it mustered all my strength not to cry.
Why? Why did I want to cry? It was the word, “psychotic.” Seriously. My whole life I tolerated and even embraced the word, “neurotic” but I could not stomach the word “psychotic.” I also with my whole heart felt it was incorrect, wrong and downright disrespectful, mean and an attack.
So what did I do? I sent it to my therapist – one who I trust and who actually knew me. (The Drug Doctor has not been working with me long and let’s be honest: when you see someone for 10 minutes per visit once a month or once every 2 to 3 months, how well do they really know you? Can you really trust them?) I also sent it to my husband, my best friends and my Pastor. I then drove (more than likely like a maniac) to work where I logged off my computers, packed up my crap, drove home, got in my comfort clothes and you guessed it, retreated to my cave. I then proceeded to go through the stages of grief. I guess I was mourning the… what was I mourning? There were several things if truth be told.
I took it to God. “Father, how can I be psychotic? Am I psychotic? Why is this bothering me? Why should this bother me?” Colossians 2:8.
So, in typical “me” fashion, I had to research it. The things I learned! First, Webster’s Dictionary is absolutely no help. Look up the definition of neurotic and psychotic and you learn – nothing. I think it wants to steer clear of that subject. You have to dig into to psychiatric journals and papers to learn what is actually transpiring. Both are terms that are used to describe conditions; they are illnesses that affect mental health (think that is a given. Don’t think anyone would use them to describe their car.) The difference is how they are now (seems at some point there was a shift… maybe in healthcare laws? Better not get into THAT because as you will see from reading below THAT is a symptom of being psychotic; wonder why?) Neurotic is used to describe any mental imbalance that causes or results in distress. In general, neurosis do not impair or interfere with normal day to day functions but rather create common symptoms such as anxiety, depression, anxiety or stress. Neurosis can yield physical distress such as vomiting, trembling, excessing perspiration and exasperate obsessive compulsive disorder and other related aliments. Neurosis is not categorized as being severe. It is thought to categorize an unhealthy aspect of certain spectrum of personality traits and conditions taken to an unhealthy level. Psychosis or psychotic disorder, on the other hand, is believed to be a symptom not a diagnosis. It is a mental state that impairs thought, perception and judgement. It is not a mental illness by itself and is used to categorize a serious form of psychological distress. Psychosis is serious, folks. Clear as mud, yet? Neurotic is stand alone. Psychotic is not. One is a noun and one is an adjective. Odd because that means folks use them incorrectly all the time. And to be honest, they will continue to do so. One thing that will not change is the connotation associated with psychotic and psychosis.
Bipolar psychosis can occur in manic or depressive states. One can; therefore, assume, it can also occur in mixed states. Neurosis, from what I can tell, is a given for a bi-polar patient. So all those times I said I’m neurotic not psychotic, I was only HALF right.
Some signs of psychosis include:
Delusions: tendency to believe in false or irrational ideas. (I don’t really fall into this one; if I am proven wrong, I will yield. However, one may confuse my stubbornness for delusion. That; however, is not my issue. That is theirs. So, I guess it depends on who is doing the categorization on this one. For instance, in this particular session, I brought up God. I also corrected the doctor when he made the statement that religion has some antiquated beliefs. First, I am a Christian, so I do not belong to a religion; Christianity is a faith not a religion. And well, I debunked the whole antiquated beliefs thing. Could a Doctor interpret that as delusional? If they are a non-believer, they quite possibly could. That is on them, not me. )
Hallucinations: One can see, feel or hear things that aren’t really there. The severity will vary from person to person. The most common is voices (I don’t hear voices. OK, the voice in the back of my head doesn’t count. I do not hallucinate regularly nor have I ever. I think it is because I have refused to loose that grip on reality. I am not saying I won’t, though. )
Disordered thinking: difficulty thinking coherently; thoughts may appear blurred or difficult to express. Speech may be affected – jumbled or slurred speech. One may blurt out words or sentences, mix up sentences and change topics frequently. Difficulties remembering things like names, places or dates. They may also have the inability to learn things. (We have a winner! When in a “mood,” my thinking is ALL OVER THE Spectrum! I can check off many of the things in this category. )
Disordered Behavior: may appear irritable and have difficulties engaging in social activities. May become easily agitated. May appear aggressive and prone to using insults or swear words. May forget personal hygiene or housework. (Ding, ding, ding. I suffer from disordered behavior. And, thanks to this, I can now explain why, as of late, I skip showering some days and can explain to my husband why housework is simply just not high on the list. Sorry, honey… I suffer from this a lot. I do keep lists. I have lists every where. Now, I guess I know why.)
Suspiciousness: being suspicious of people and things around you is a very common symptom. In most cases, patients do not know why they feel uneasy. It can be projected on co-workers, teachers, family, friends, strangers, etc. (hate to admit it but yes, I do this. I exasperate this by watching the news or certain shows. I can work myself into a state where I do not want to leave the house. It is embarrassing but it is true. I can find a conspiracy in just about anything.)
Superstitious Beliefs: believing in the unnatural, thinking people can read your mind, experiencing deja vu, etc. (Uh, no. I am not superstitious. Its my faith. I can’t submit, in any way, to this. I don’t apologize for it.)
Unusual Perceptions: having unusual or exaggerated perceptions is a habitual symptom of one who is psychotic. The senses of sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing are affected. Patients tend to perceive these senses stronger than they really are. They may hear something louder than it is; see shadows like a human figure, etc. Because their senses are affected, they are more prone to become paranoid or frightened and may express difficulty doing certain things. (Getting depressed here. I have this too. When really up or really down, I do perceive, from time to time, shadows in odd manners, I jump scare very easy when I know I shouldn’t, loud noises can “set me off” and in certain instances, I can’t be around them. This is humiliating, but this is me. Hey, if my husband and kids are reading this – uh, this is why I am so jumpy… please keep this in mind.)
Hypochondria: An irrational fear of having or getting a disease or illness. Go to the hospital frequently to see a doctor. (no, I don’t suffer from this. However, I will say, I do suffer from body dysmorphia. The meds have made me gain weight and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I do not like it. I don’t like saying anything because my daughter is anorexic and I blame myself that she is. I don’t like going to the doctor. If Im nauseated; however, and nothing works, I will go because I would rather be shot than feel like I have to puke.)
Mood Changes: I don’t think I have to explain mood changes to you. It is a symptom of psychosis so by default, I as a rapid cycling bi-polar 1 person would fit this category. ESPECIALLY given my moods are all out of whack because my drugs are changing. So riddle me this Batman, did they put this one in there so every bi-polar patient automatically had one to check off? I can see doctors doing that.
Lack of Awareness: psychotic patients do not know they are exhibiting psychotic symptoms. (guess we learned from all of this that I had no clue. But let’s be honest for a moment, how many people are going to be aware they are anything? Does the depressed person walk around admitting in self awareness that they are depressed and need help? Does the multiple personality patient walk around knowing they are dealing with several different personalities and self actualizes them all? Does the alcoholic? The drug addict? The dead beat dad? the gambler? I am just saying…)
Incoherent or Irrational Thought and Speech: may have irrational (what exactly is irrational – was not defined. What may be irrational to one person may not be to another merely based on topic, don’t you think?) Speech may be rapid and hard to follow; topic flow may go from topic to topic losing train of thought (well, I do that; have my whole life. My brain just works incredibly fast. I would dare say studies need to be conducted to see if that has to do with intelligence and mania vs actual psychosis.)
Those are the bulk of “identifiers” for psychosis which can be tacked on to a mental condition to earn the “psychotic features” emphasis. To qualify medically, a patient must exhibit at least 5. Let’s tally them up… unfortunately, there are at least 5.
So was his assessment correct? I didn’t think I was depressed. I thought I was in a cycling phase. I know after doing all this research and figuring all this out, I am severely depressed. Guess now I truly am, “Bipolar Disorder, current episode depressed, severe, with psychotic features.” Thank you so much, Doc. Appreciate it. (said in the most sarcastic manner possible.) Do I owe him an apology? No, but I did call him an asshole and for that, I am sorry. I do not think Doctor’s understand that some of us patients are not ignorant and we do not appreciate being treated as such. Doctor’s should remember, a psychotic feature is the ability to “act and mask” the features. Guess what will happen the next visit?
Remember above where I said I took it to God and I was pointed to Colossians 2:8? Guess what that verse says? “Beware least anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to the tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ.” Don’t let anyone steal my faith and joy with their “philosophies” or answers built on man’s thoughts and ideas but instead remain steadfast in your faith and comfort in your Creator, in your Lord and in your Strength! You see, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks of me, it matters what my God KNOWS about me!
I probably won’t add “psychotic” to my list of skills on my resume. I will let my anger go. Will I embrace it? Eventually. I have started the process… I am starting to make REALLY cool jokes! mehehehehehe
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