No Instruction Manual

If I take a moment to be honest, the past month has not been easy. I never asked for easy. I am perfectly aware life is not fair. It is life. God never promised a life without pain, without trials, without ups & downs. He promised no matter what we faced, He would never leave us or forsake us.

Life itself does have an instruction manual. It is the Bible. We can take comfort in knowing what we need can be found within its pages and by knowing its author. Not just knowing about its author but by having a genuine relationship with Him. While we may not find the answer to how to bake a cake in there or how to master Microsoft Word, we do have the answers we need to seek wisdom and navigate life’s journey. If we apply it to our lives, we will master the cake and Word in due time.

I have no doubt in me that I am a child of God. He created me for a purpose. He knows my name and loves me. I am my Father’s child and I walk boldly in the knowledge that I not only need Him but I lean on Him in all things. Sometimes, it is rather simple and other times, it is not. I cry out to Him and call on Him and tho I may wonder I never doubt His will will be done. I may question Him along the way but the faith I have in Him never falters. I don’t always comprehend. I don’t always see the big picture. Sometimes, I will admit, I get so wrapped up in the moment (or the details) I lose sight of the fact that He is in control. I think it is sort of like the story of Peter. Remember when Peter couldn’t see Jesus and Jesus told him to walk to him. Peter was like what are you talking about? Uh, I think I’ll stay in the boat. It isn’t like I don’t believe in You its just I’m a little unsure.  Or when the storm was raging all around the disciples and Jesus was sleeping in the boat. They were basically freaking out. Why? Jesus wasn’t worried or stressed. He was sleeping. Why weren’t they? Sometimes, we need a little reminder. (and they actually had Jesus himself in front of them!)

It is a blessing to be able to open the Bible and find answers. It is also a blessing to know we have the gift of direct communication with God. No other religion offers that. Then, too, Christianity is not a religion. It is a belief. There are times when I truly wish everything in life was that way.

My mood has been off lately. Every trigger has been pulled. Then, too, there are just times when it happens that a trigger doesn’t have to occur. As much as I hate to admit it, there are times when I wish there was an instruction manual for friends and family of Bipolar people. My family is truly the best in the world. I know dealing with me is not easy and not necessarily what they signed up for. Heck, I didn’t sign up for it. Sometimes, I just wish there were things they (friends, family, people who know me)  could better understand. A lot of it I think is my perception.

• I genuinely don’t need a reason to be upset (or moody or anxious or all over the place):  if I knew why I felt the way I did, I would tell you. I would fix it.  Sometimes there just isn’t a reason; it just is.  I cannot explain it. There truly are days when I wake up and I am just a hot mess. Believe me, I do the best I can  to hide it but there are days when I simply can’t. If there is a reason, I promise I will tell tell you. If there isn’t and I say there isn’t, please don’t make me feel worse by telling me there is and trying to make me come up with something when I have already spent time trying to figure it out.
• I swing from being really proud of myself to feeling like the biggest mistake on the planet: this is a hassle to anyone to deal with and for me, it is uber bad. I can accomplish a lot but on days when I do not, I feel ashamed. I have learned to pace myself so as to avoid the “dip” but even then it doesn’t always work. Couple that with the one above and it isn’t pretty. I can normally push thru it. I have learned how. But some days, I truly need a little more validation than others. Not a lot, just a little more.
• No matter how hard I work at staying “balanced” I can still get thrown off: I know my limits. I know my “condition – which I hate calling it by the way – but there are times when it just rears itself and generally it is at the most inopportune times. The mood swings, for me, can come suddenly and without warning. Sometimes, if I pay attention, I have warning. Do you know how exhausting it is to be mindful of it all the time? Sometimes, just sometimes, I just want to be.
•   Though it may not seem like it, I am doing the best I can sometimes – when I see the look in someones face or their body language or their expression – I know I have failed or let them down or they are upset with me – or disappointed – or I have made them mad – and it hurts. I did not do it on purpose. But it doesn’t change the fact that I did it. I have perceived that I did it. Whether they come right out and say it or not. I know it to be true. That adds to it and there is nothing I can do to change it. The internal dialog in my head immediately changes and I am determined to rectify the situation regardless of what it does to my mood. Remember, moods at a point cause physical pain as well.
• Speaking of the physical, sometimes I wish people knew the true physical toll. Between the meds, I don’t think anyone gets the sheer magnitude of what it takes on the body when your experiencing such moods at a rapid pace or so fiercely – it is exhausting. Couple that with the control it takes to keep it all in check and to function and hide it all.
• I hate myself most of the time for being this way – not because of me but because of you. I don’t have a lot of friends but to the ones I have, thanks for sticking around. To my family, I cannot express  enough what you mean to me. I would never do anything to hurt you and every day I wish I was what I perceive in my mind to be “normal.” I am not always easy to deal with. I freely acknowledge this.  It pains me the most that I feel I let you down. And when I feel I have or am, I truly don’t do well.

I think that rings true for a lot of us with our “madness.” I thought about creating a superhero who was bipolar. Can you imagine? (hmmmm, a future post.) There is no Instruction manual for this. I do rely heavily on God. I know He will always come through for me. He quiets my mind, guides me in my ways and calms the world as it races by. I pray that is what my family and friends do. You see, the one who made me makes no mistakes. He knew what he was doing. There is a reason and a purpose for the way I am. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. In those moments when you totally lose it with me or don’t understand or really have the urge to (fill in the blank) will you do me a favor? Will you take a moment to ask my Father for the strength and patience to deal with me? Ask Him to be His hands and feet here in the moment. There may not be an instruction manual but I promise if you ask, He will tell you what to do.