(In a later post I will give the back story to some of what you will read here but for the purpose of this post, just have “faith” and go with me.)
I have spoken before about meditation. I have said it before and I will say it again, I do not have much luck with it. I know, I know, I know, it has to do with me not the actual practice itself. Soooooooo many people buy into it and it works for them. Then, too, let’s be honest, people do a lot of crap that “works” for them and I would not remotely try any of those things. I did share the one thing I found that does work and if you “technically” look at it purely objectively, it is a form of mindfulness which can be considered meditation. I simply call it surrendering to God. But let me be clear, it isn’t the haphazard reach out and pray, it is a total surrender and trust we should do every day. I think and have come to the realization that God made me the way He did because He knew He was what would keep me (by the world’s definition) “sane” and whole. He knew that little girl so many years ago who’s hand he held and showed He would never fail her, would grow up and need Him (and need Him all along the way.) He planted seeds and He knew that she would come to realize on her journey He would be the same throughout her life as He was then. And you know what? He always has been.
Here is one thing you should know about me. Since I first started believing in God, I have never had any doubt of His existence. I have always found it easy to picture Him as my Father. I believe and always have truly with all of my being felt, known and believed that in Him I can find refuge, strength, peace and strength. I see Him as comfort when there is no comfort. I feel His warmth and compassion when I feel it no where else. I literally picture His outstretched arms and can run into them and feel them wrapped around me. I see myself as a little child crawling into my father’s lap whether I am happy, sad, crying, scared, unsure, ashamed, lost, whatever. He has and always will accept me. Granted, I know there are times when He is not very pleased with me. We talk about that. There are times we laugh. There are times when He tells me I know better. There are times when I yell and throw a temper tantrum and he smiles and waits it out and asks if I am finished now. But He is there. I have never, not once, doubted any of this. Sometimes, I can sit in His arms just quiet. Just be with Him.
He has shown an abundance of patience with me over the years. I have gone through periods where I did not pray like I should. He shook His head and said Ok my child. You do what you need to. I’ll be here when you need me. Wow! He loves me that much? And guess what? He was. Of course, unknown to me, I was praying, I just didn’t do it “formally.” There are times when I pouted. I would be all, ‘Well I will show you!” He was like, “You go right ahead and do that. See where that gets you.” Yet again, He didn’t abandon me. There were times when I would say “I think this is your fault.” He would just say, “If you think so.” Imagine your child hurting and saying that. My favorite is when I would demand Him to explain Himself to me. Do you know how that went? I will let you know the moment I receive an explanation. Now I will admit, there have been times when He has told me or let me know that I may not understand now but one day I will and other times He simply made it clear He does not have to explain Himself to me. But through it all, He was always there. The Holy Spirit never left me and Jesus has always known my name.
I have not always possessed great Biblical knowledge. Quite frankly, I still do not. I study every day. There is still so much to learn. I became a Christian at a very young age – not because my family were Christians or I was a regular church goer – but because I personally was moved by Jesus. For years I knew the basics. But what I did have was a personal relationship that was strong, real and undeniable. I cannot explain it to you or make you understand. But that relationship is unbreakable and so real and to me the most important thing there is. From that relationship, everything else has grown. It has shaped and molded who I am as a person. Knowing about God is one thing; knowing Him is another. Some people can recite the Bible backwards, forwards, left and right; they know all the doctrine; they know every detail about a demonimation and all religions; they know every practice; they will be the first person inside the church walls when the doors are open; they can talk the talk and are genuinely great people. But they don’t have a deep relationship with Him. They know about Him, they talk to Him. Jesus knows their name. But they have no idea what it is truly like to surrender everything to Him, to know Him so intimately, to have Him hold them, mold them, guide them. I have learned so much from them. In fact, I have been criticized numerous times by them. And its OK. I probably should.
Look I am not saying I am perfect. In fact, God Himself knows this. I am the first person who will stand before you and admit it. I am one of His most flawed creations. I have “chinks” in my armor (used duct tape at times) ; my fruit of the spirit have at times rotted or fermented; The Holy Spirit wears roller skated to keep up; my guardian angel drinks; I can list most of my faults, defects and every other thing that is wrong with me. I admit them to God and know Jesus paid a high price so I could be a human. There are not enough animals for me to sacrifice and I am thankful for Jesus. He knows this. I put Him on that cross. God made me – flaws and all – and when I sit in His lap and tell Him how horrible I am – He tells me he loves me anyway. Or when I asked to be fixed or normal or why I can’t be like so in so…. you know what He tells me? He tells me He made me to be me, not them. He needs me to be me. I still have not figured out why but He does.
I have many songs on my playlists. Being manic depressive, our moods effect so many things but here is one thing that is common place for anyone – whatever mood we are in, our music taste in the moment is undoubtedly based on the mood we are in. If we are happy, we tend to gravitate to happy songs; upset – weepy songs; angry – angry songs. Music can affect our moods. Smart people realize this and will allow music to alter our moods not fuel them. Problem is when we are moody we aren’t really thinking about that now are we? (I am getting off topic so I will save the rest of this for another post.) There are two songs I have because they can calm me in a minute. My breathing slows and so do I. They, to me, remind me of my closet. They do so because of specific verses in the songs”
“Do you thirst for a drink from the well? Jesus is calling…. The Father’s arms are open wide…Leave behind your regrets and mistakes…Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy…” It repeats the verse, “The Father’s arms are wide open. I know that but to hear it…
“Come broken hearted let rescue begin. Come find your mercy Oh sinner come kneel, Earth has no sorrow that Heaven can’t heal. …So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart. Come as you are. ”
I can listen to them over and over and over and over. The other day, I was no where near my prayer closet. I was out of my element. I was out of meds. I was not sleeping. The physical storm outside was unsettling. I was pacing like a caged tiger ready to pounce. I was taking in every feeling and emotion and feeling of everyone around me. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Let’s just add that on top of the fun house circus already transpiring internally. Pile on a few other things and I was not doing so good. I was in constant communication with God. In fact, I was getting a wee bit testy with Him. At one point, I was left alone. Keep in mind, I was staying at the church. Yep, we had been staying (like sleeping ,eating, showering, etc.) at our church (which by the way we were so grateful and thankful for; words cannot express. I was at a loss. I think I had roamed every possible area in the church. Finally I took my phone, walked into the sanctuary. What better place to pray than THE sanctuary, right? I put on those two songs as loud as they would go. As I started listening, I took my shoes off and walked up to the pulpit and laid down. Eagle spread on my back and just closed my eyes.
I am sure if there were cameras or if someone had walked in they would have freaked out. Somethings you just do not do (and why is that by the way?) But in that moment I needed that. I closed my eyes and all I said was, “are you there God? Its me, your favorite pain in the ass. Words fail me. I need you. Please. Listen to my heart as only you can.” And I breathed. As I exhaled, my head stopped hurting. My heart slowed. That same feeling I get when I wake with my hand out stretched on the side of the bed in thunderstorms – that I have gotten since I was a child – I had. I know I was not laying there alone. My mind quieted. I was no longer cold. I was no longer scared or worried. In those moments, I knew where I was and who had me. I wasn’t just lying on the floor in the sanctuary. I was in my Father’s arms.
I tell you all of this because its about Faith. I have been studding fervently since I came back home. Everyone knows the story of Job. His faith was so great even through the worst of everything. But read it again and pay attention to the little details. Job had what so many call “great” faith. But at times, it wavered. Look at Jonah. He had faith. God chose Jonah for a task. If he was not a faithful man, God would not have chosen him. Granted, Jonah chose to be a butthead and openly defy God and there were consequences. But Jonah never lost his faith, it merely shrunk. What do you think ultimately saved Jonah? God of course, but Jonah had faith. It was just so very small before he came to his senses. The story of the centurion solider. He showed such bold faith. The woman who had such amazing faith to push through and touch the hem of Jesus’ garments to be healed – what faith. Peter… he had the faith that could surpass anyone one minute then the next his faith wavered so much he doubted Jesus when he was standing right in front of him. Gideon… he had faith but was unsure. There are countless stores like this. Remember in Matthew when the disciples asked Jesus how to grow their faith? What was his response? He told them if you have the faith of a mustard seed you can say to this mountain move… So many times, we try to have a contest about our “faith.” It’s not a contest.
A mustard seed grows. And it becomes a mighty plant. There are numerous stories in the Bible of great men who had great faith but read and study them. They had periods when their faith, at times dwindled. It’s like a fire. Have you ever built a fire in a fireplace? It rages then burns down? What do you have to do to keep in burning? Build it, tend to it. The fire never went out – like their faith – it never died; they never gave up. They never lost mustard seed sized faith but there were moments when it wasn’t the size of the empire state building. And you know what? That is OK. The point is not to let the fire go out. Not to rip up your entire field. Feed it, tend to it, nurture it. And to do so, it takes more than just knowing scripture. It takes knowing HIM. Don’t compare your faith to anyone else’s. Its not a competition. Its about faith. In its truest since of the word, its faith. You grab on to the Father and never let go. He won’t ever let you go.
I do wish I could use the sanctuary sometimes. I wonder if the Pastor and Council and Building & Grounds and the Deacons and all the other folks who probably have to approve it would let me do that once a week or twice a week. Probably not… Guess I need to try it here somewhere. Wonder it it will work in my living room? Faith, huh?
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