#madprincess

I started this post the other day as I was getting ready to go to my “drug doctor” appointment. I was reminded of a few things. I do not like doctors. That is a given. Meds are expensive. It’s cold outside so I should probably dress warm. I’d rather stay home. Ripping a band aide off a wound is not comfortable. Coffee gets cold quickly when its cold out. Long hair tangles no matter your age. Checking email is fine but one needs to delete the messages you have already read or else they pile up – quickly. Spending time in the Word is truly comforting.

I was also reminded of a simple fact – I started this blog – whenever it was – because I wanted to share what it was like to be bipolar and a Christian and hopefully break some stereo types and myths associated with both. I learned along the way that I did not have to include my “condition” in every single post as it was just part of me yet it did not define me. I opened a twitter account… no, not to tweet. I do not support, condone or suggest anyone have active social media accounts. I especially do not want them or need them.(I’d be kicked off by the internet police so fast it wouldn’t be funny…) I did it so that Mr. Elon Musk, who it turns out primarily communicates via twitter, could contact me. Why you ask? Because I am crazy enough to believe there is a snowballs chance he may actually receive and respond to the invitation I sent him to my son’s graduation. The things we do for our children. If that is what it takes, I will do it. To me, twitter is a waste of time, energy and words. It can; however, be a great source of entertainment. From time to time, when I check to see if Mr. Musk has magically responded, I check out the page with trending tweets. This page has “hashtags” of the day or week (for us old people, it is the pound symbol followed by some phrase or word everyone seems to add to their tweet to make them all group together or think will start some kind of following or movement.) There have been some interesting ones.

As I scrolled through one labeled, I saw #ThingsWeShouldTalkAbout, and my curiosity was peeked. Granted, the responses ranged from common sense items to people just being stupid. What I found interesting was the #1 thing, by far, mentioned in this thread was mental illness – whether it was a specific aspect, specific illness or mental illness in general. Granted, I also found it interesting that no one mentioned where the conversation should begin, why it should take place, how it should take place, who should talk, etc. (then, too, maybe that is because twitter limits the response to 140 characters) but nevertheless, mental illness was at the forefront.

After reading that, I figured, let’s talk. More to the point, I’ll write. After all, wasn’t that the point of my blog in the first place? WARNING: this is not going to be a short blog post. I do not apologize but I am warning you in advance. It may take you a few minutes to read.

I do as I normally do and went online and did some research first. I love research. Here are a few points I found:

A mental disorder, also called a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, is defined as a behavioral or mental pattern that causes significant distress or impairment of personal functioning. …Mental disorders are usually defined by a combination of how a person behaves, feels, perceives, or thinks. ( I have to say, by that definition there is not one single person on this planet that does not suffer from a mental illness. ooops, sorry, this is the informative part of the blog, not the comment part. Just couldn’t help myself.)

There are five major categories of mental illnesses:

• Anxiety disorders.
• Mood disorders.
• Schizophrenia and psychotic disorders.
• Dementia.
• Eating disorders.

Serious mental illness includes diagnoses which typically involve psychosis (losing touch with reality or experiencing delusions) or high levels of care, and which may require hospital treatment. Two of the most common severe mental illnesses: schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (or manic depression). Common mental health problems include depression and anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (called OCD for short) and post-traumatic stress disorder (called PTSD for short).

Here is the irony: Good mental health is characterized by a person’s ability to fulfill a number of key functions and activities, including: the ability to learn. the ability to feel, express and manage a range of positive and negative emotions. the ability to form and maintain good relationships with others.

I do not agree with all of the above. I am not a doctor. I am not a scholar in this field. What I am; however, is one who has years of practical experience and advice as one who has been through the system, studied, lived it, dealt with it – myself and with those I love – and I can tell you a few things. Also note, I am NOT going to sugar coat anything. That is your doctor’s job. I am going to tell you and me what we need to hear and that’s the truth – a truth I have learned along my journey.

• There is a distinction between a mental illness and a mental health condition. A mental illness has no cure; a mental health condition is normally temporary and can be successfully treated – note I said normally and can be. Are there instances where it is reoccurring? You bet. Are there instances where the treatment is ongoing? Yep. Is the treatment one size fits all? Nope. It all depends on the person. However, there are distinct and clear differences between the two. Is one less serious than the other? Absolutely not. It’s not a contest, folks. Mental health is as important as physical health because if we are honest, mental health affects your physical health more than you realize. The point I am trying to get across is a mental health condition can, more often than not, be overcome, with time, treatment, determination and a lot of support. Unfortunately, a true mental illness cannot.
• Think about it for a minute. You get the flu from time to time, yes? You may even get pneumonia if you do not treat it. The point is both can make you very sick. But with time, care and treatment, you can make a full recovery. There are cases where you do not recover and it leads to other complications – same with mental conditions. There are also times when you find out you have something like Parkinson’s. Maybe you have MS. Maybe you discover you have high blood pressure, diabetes, epilepsy, lupus or trigeminal neuralgia. These are all conditions that do not have cures, affect your lifestyle but can be managed and treated. In both cases, the illness is real and should be treated as such. They are nothing to make light of or diminish. They are; however, to be handled differently and as with all things, should be approached on a case by case basis.
• Before you diagnosis yourself with any mental disorder, first ask yourself a simple question – is it me or my environment? Many people feel depressed, anxious, panicked, etc., when the simple truth is they are surrounded by assholes. This could be work, home, socially or a number of places. You need to evaluate your “circle” and see if they are contributing to your perceived situation. Often times you will find they are.
• When researching any symptoms you may be experiencing in relation to mental health, be extremely careful where you obtain your facts. Often times what appears to be reputable sites and data are backed by pharmaceutical companies. That’s right. Their goal? To see, peddle and push their product. So, of course you have all of the symptoms. They will word it in such a way you are convinced and you feel comforted by it. Then at the end they encourage you to seek a doctor. In some cases they will even link you to resources to help you find doctors. What they don’t tell you is those links are for doctors who push their products. And of course they recommend great meds that work – be sure to ask for them by name.
• You will find if you truly study mental health, many conditions and illnesses present themselves with the same symptoms. If you research long enough you will find every illness has common denominators. Does that mean you have them all? No. For instance, I am RCBP1. I cannot be schizophrenic; however, if you look up both you will find I may, in certain mood states present with schizophrenic like symptoms. In a mixed state, I am more often than not, very anxious and have an increasingly hard time being still. When my mood is shifting, I become very OCD. While i do have a bit of PTSD, it only presents when I am in a depressed state. You get the idea. It is imperative to determine the nature of the illness at its core not necessarily the presenting symptoms.
• Long term versus short term is another important factor to take into consideration. Getting anxious for a project you are working on does not mean you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder; however, the duration of a long term project and the stress and anxiety may result in the need for temporary treatment. A major life changing event – loss of a job, death of someone close, an accident – may lead to a bout of depression. This can call for the need for treatment on a short term basis. Note: short term can mean a couple weeks to months. Neither negates the importance of the illness.
• Just like with any illness, you have to want treatment and you have to work at maintaining a healthy mental health. Take eating disorders (and before any criticism is given, I have first hand experience with this.) People automatically assume the disorder is about food. It is not. It is about control. You cannot control everything going on around you so you control the one thing you can – you. This incessant need for control manifests as OCD, anxiety, panic attacks and starvation. One will never make any progress until the core issue is addressed. Once done, treatment can be successful; however, recovery is a lifelong progress. Why? There are a couple reasons. During the process, the brain was rewired – by the individual not nature – to react to stressors in a specific manner that yielded results. Much like an alcoholic or a drug addict, the individual needs to seek help and will spend a lifetime recovering. It is a choice. Let me be clear, are there tendencies that make it more likely? Just like a drug addict or alcoholic, the answer is yes.
• Personality flaws do not equate to a mental illness. Can one’s personality be affected by a mental illness? Absolutely. But being a major butt munch is not a mental illness. Sudden changes in personality or shifts back and forth in a personality may be a flag to say, ‘um, maybe something is up with Bob.’ Being a curmudgeon or a bitter hag is not a mental illness.
• There are no drugs approved by the FDA for children under 18 to treat mental illness/conditions. To me, this is a good thing. The spike in mental illness/conditions among our children is alarming. Throwing drugs at children, of any age, whose brains are not fully developed, whose brains are creating new pathways more rapidly than they ever will in their entire life is dangerous. No one can truly understand or comprehend the full effects of what it will have. Children under the age of 18 can be diagnosed with mental conditions but not mental illness. Why? Because their brains are not fully developed. They have raging hormones. They are growing and changing at a rapid rate. Yes, they will be stressed. Yes they will have panic attacks. Yes they will have periods of depression. Yes they can suffer from PTSD, OCD and other conditions. But they cannot be 100% diagnosed with illnesses such as Bipolar, schizophrenia, multiple personality disorder, etc. Think about it. Have you been around teenagers? They are up one minute down the next. They hide in their rooms. They can be the kindest, sweetest person in public and a total twat at home. They change their hair style two to three times a year, their fashion sense is out there, have you heard their music? They are coming into their own and looking at it from the outside I would think most of them look like they are a combination of all three. A true diagnosis of a mental illness occurs in mid to late 20’s. Can you not understand why? Now for the PC crowd, know they be prone to lean one way or the other… happy now? But I stand firm – no child should be labeled with a mental illness or given drugs that affect the chemicals in their brains for extended periods of time.

In the above definitions, it clearly spelled out that two of the most, ‘common severe mental illnesses are schizophrenia and bipolar.’ I agree. I cringe when I read or see a news article about some heinous act because I am waiting for it… ‘they were off their meds’ or ‘suspect suffers from a mental illness’ or ‘the perpetrator was bipolar.’ I’m curious, why is the perp never schizophrenic? To be honest, it is more likely that they would commit an act because the voices told them, too, yes? I mean my imaginary friends and I plotted the whole thing… one happens to be an ex-con who specializes in weapons.

Remember, the vast majority of those properly diagnosed as bipolar are bipolar 2 meaning their dominant mood peak is clinical depression. If you have never experienced bipolar clinical depression and I sincerely pray you haven’t and won’t, it is nearly impossible to brush your teeth, shower and sometimes breathe let alone commit some heinous act. Bipolar 2 may have periods of hypo mania and may experience some mania but it is never as bad as the depression. Can they be moody – you bet. Now, bipolar 1 patients, we run the gambit. We have true manic episodes and in a manic state we can conquer the world. We also have the depression that makes us not get out of bed. We also have mixed states – but I think both 1 & 2 have them. Those are the worse and I am assuming the mixed states are when the alleged carnage occurs. Mixed states are not like cycling through moods. It is being up and down at the same time.

Being bipolar and understanding it, I have a theory. I think the news stories and what you see committed by patients who ‘didn’t take their meds’ or who ‘were bipolar’ were actually committed by folks who were being treated for a mental condition that presented itself as a mental illness. They were not truly mentally ill to begin with. I also believe that the medicines they take make you into something you are not, especially when that is true. Think about it. if you are being treated with long term drugs for a condition that was short term, there are bound to be repercussions. Also, when you come off certain drugs or alcohol, your body’s natural response is to increase or decrease certain chemicals in the brain which by default will present itself as bipolar symptoms – such as depression or mania. Let me explain.

Bipolar is believed to be caused by a chemical imbalance or imbalances in the brain and most scientists agree that in bipolar patients, there is a problem with the underlying circuits and neurotransmitters in the brain. The chemicals responsible for controlling the brain’s function are called neurotransmitters and the ones most often focused on in bipolar patients are noradrenaline, serotonin and dopamine. Noradrenaline is a chemical that is released from neurons that affects other organs in the body. Most people know it as the ‘stress hormone’ or ‘flight or fight’ hormone. Most folks know what serotonin and dopamine do. So the medicines developed to treat bipolar illness are designed to adjust these chemicals and other chemicals in the brain. Depending on the patient and the diagnosis of the severity, a combination of medication may be prescribed. The most common used are mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics and anti-depressants or a combination of them. Anti-seizure medications have also been found to work in some cases.

It should be clarified first and foremost, all medications have side effects. Some doctors will treat the side effects with more medications. There is no one size fits all solution. What works for one may not work for another. When you start messing with a person’s brain, it is not an exact science. Sorry folks, but it is a fact. I have been on so many meds and combinations of meds it is sad really. My bipolar cannot be 100% controlled with meds alone. I’ve had doctors try. I even went along willingly for awhile. Then I said enough. So back to the crime – if someone’s brain chemicals were being altered… does it stand to reason something might go a muck? Especially when there was no true need for the meds in the first place or if they took them – altered the chemicals, then stopped them? Just saying…

Just with any chronic illness, the answer does lie inside a pill bottle. Here is where the doctor’s and I disagree. I have been on meds that physically disabled me; I have been on meds that robbed me of any personality; I’ve been on meds that made me so sick I could not move. Is that any way to live? Does a diabetic patient receive insulin then go eat a box of Krispey Kreme doughnuts and live with a steady supply of coke as their main drink of choice? No. Then why should I ? It takes a commitment to overall lifestyle.

A few things I recommend to anyone who is diagnosed with a mental illness or condition:

• Get a second opinion. If you needed surgery or had another medical diagnosis, you’d do it. So why not with your mental health? After all, it is your health.
• Do your homework. If you are prescribed meds, know all there is about the meds. Trust me, you have no clue how ordinary, over the counter meds interact. It’s your brain and your nervous system that affects your entire body… I think it is worth learning about. Know about the side effects. Sometimes, it takes a couple tries to get the combination right.
• Some meds can make you worse. Be honest with your doctor. Hey, I cannot take a lot of meds because my body reacts poorly and in all sorts of nasty ways. I’m honest. There is one drug, when I take it, I am by far the meanest, nastiest person on the planet. Know your body and your mind enough to know when things are a little off.
• Do not be your own doctor. You know what I mean here. Google is great but if you didn’t go to medical school or study medicine, you are not a doctor. Its great to be informed but don’t tell the doctor what you have or what to prescribe you. The ads are everywhere and that is what the pharma companies want you to do. Discuss options but remember, you are the patient.
• Be your best advocate. Just as you are not your doctor, you are your own advocate. You need to be treated with respect, care and priority (when you are being treated or seen.) Never be “ugly” but you can make the doctor listen to you and more importantly make them hear you. If they don’t, find another doctor.
• Learn about your illness. Don’t just take your doctor’s word for things. Research. Read. Talk to people. Learn everything you can. Become familiar with the ins and outs of your conditions. Here is where it can be fun. As you research, jot down questions for your doctor.
• Get a therapist. Never under estimate the power of good talk therapy. Do; however, note it may actually take time to find a good fit for you. Not all therapists are created equal. Not all therapists are trained to handle all patients. Not all therapists are good for you. You want one who knows your illness – thats a given. You also want one who respects you as a person. Most importantly, you want one who will not hinder your wellness. Me, I prefer a therapist who is knowledgeable, firm when needs to be, a realist, won’t sugar coat the truth when I need to hear it, doesn’t just blindly agree with me, knows the difference between opinions and facts but most importantly knows if my mental state is off/in jeopardy.
• Make sure you have a support group. I cannot stress this one enough. Your doctor and therapist are not going to be there all the time. They aren’t supposed to. You need a trusted support group consisting of family and friends who know about your mental illness/condition. You need a core group who has the contact info for your doctor & therapist. You need to make sure this core group also knows what meds you take or how to locate the information in the event the info is needed. The support group in general is not supposed to be large but big enough and diverse enough to be there for ups, downs and plot twists. Educate them the best you can.
• Find what works for you. Every illness has certain characteristics that have to be managed. Just because this article or that post says do this doesn’t mean it is going to work for you. Just because your doctor recommends it doesn’t mean it is going to work for you. Shoot, my shrink has been telling me to meditate for years. Uh, can’t sit still, remember? But I have learned something that does work for me and accomplishes the exact same thing. I have created safe spaces that can immediately calm my mind. I learned something that gives my brain the same satisfaction as buying things (great for those manic days) When you learn about your illness then actively take control, it doesn’t control you anymore.
• Stop buying into the propaganda. Look, I’m going to be blunt here. Not everyone diagnosed with a mental illness is mentally ill. Some have mental conditions (we have established that.) Some have nothing wrong with them. Society today has three distinct opinions on mental illness – its cool; its taboo and let’s talk about it. It’s cool is for all the ones who think it so freaking cool to have something mentally wrong with them or have a shrink or compares mental illnesses over the water cooler. If they aren’t on some drug to change their mental state or sharing someone else’s they soon will be. They wear it like a badge of honor and will proudly let you know. Its taboo for those suffering from illness that can’t escape the recesses of their mind. They know if people really knew, they would not want them around. They see the true look of horror in people’s eyes when they find out they have a mental illness; they struggle daily and it hurts. the Lets talk about it – well talking is all that is done. No one wants to do anything. To be fair, what can be done? It is not an exact science, so much miss information. Mental illness scares people. Don’t buy into it. Don’t buy into a side. Don’t allow it to be political or an excuse.

Sometimes, I like to pretend my mental illness makes me like the X-men. You know, back in the old movies. I can use my power for good. Is it really power? I have come to the realization it is. Why do you ask? it can be torture. It is never ending. Its a label. It is misunderstood. X-men… but God made me and he makes no junk. I am fearfully AND WONDERFULLY made. He knows my brain and gave it to me for a reason. That is why I chose to handle my illness the way I do. I was not meant to be drugged into a stupor… my body is a temple (I don’t always treat it that way but it is.) My brain is God’s creation. My doctor knows I will check and recheck him (many are the plans of man but it is the Lord’s plans that prevail.) I don’t meditate but I seek God and am often found wrapped in Jesus’ arms – He sits with me when I am alone in the dark and never once has He left me (These things I have spoken so in me You find peace.” My support network is strong.

In the end, I guess this was more a reminder to myself than anything else. Yes, there are times when no matter how long I deal with my bipolar, I need to look myself in the mirror and remind myself that I am OK… some days are easier than others. Some things come naturally and some things don’t. I wish I could turn it off or cure it or stop it all but I then remind myself that God makes no junk. It will pass. And in that mirror I see Him behind me saying, “that’s my girl.” So I guess, I wrote this to remind me why I started. New hashtag #madprincess