Today is a bad day for me. It’s a really bad day. I wish I could put into words how or why it is. My body hurts. I itch. My face is going numb – ok, these are side effects of new meds. I will write posts on this later. I am swollen. I feel like a fat cow which, by the way adds to a serious depression. I even went so far as to buy new pants – a size bigger than my old ones. Guess what? They are too big. So I can’t figure out if I am an in-between size or if my perception is THAT far off.
Let’s see, how else can I describe today to help you “walk in my shoes?” Hmmmm… There is this tent, canopy thing in the garage. Every time I go out in the garage or pass it (which I do when I go smoke) I see it out of the corner of my eye as a shadowy person and it “jump” scares me. One time, I think I will hit it with the bat that is hanging up out there. That will teach it! That’s right. How dare it just sit there!
For no apparent reason, I am angry. I will interpret everything in a hostile manner. Then I will interpret everything as though it is personal – say for instance, you ask me to turn the station on the television. I will interpret that as I was watching something wrong. Then I will cry because I am just a horrible person. I will accidentally do something – like we all do – and it will be the end of the world. And all of a sudden, it will be hilarious. This my friends, is a “day.” It is utterly exhausting.
I continue to work… a full time job but it is best that I don’t interact with too many people on days when I am like this. I think you can understand why. Oh and it is best that I limit the amount of e-mails I respond to. If not, I might have some explaining to do depending on when in the “cycle” certain folks receive their response.
Sometimes, what I describe is a “tame” day. Some days, its best I just lie in bed with the covers pulled up to my eye balls. Even I don’t like me on those days. To make it worse, I will try to figure out what it is that is going on. What it is that is causing it. What did I do? What set it off? What changed? Inevitably, someone will innocently say, “Did you forget your meds?” I will snap! Then I will feel bad about it. Which makes it all worse. I will want to go home. The feeling and need to go home will get really bad. I will start to feel guilty about that. It will make it all worse.
Can you start to see bad days are really bad days? I really cannot put it into words. Mix all that in with the need to do something every second or racing thoughts or shaking or headache or being overly tired or worse case ALL OF THAT. I am talking all of what I described happening at the same time or cycling one right after the other. Yep, we are talking FUN TIMES!
But, in the middle of the “thorns” of my moods just sticking me, I am reminded of Paul. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 states: “And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake… FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN IAM STRONG.”
WOW! Did you get that???? Did you read what Paul was telling us? Three times Paul asked for “it” to be taken away. Three times “it” was not. Jesus told Paul, “Look, in your suffering, when you lean on ME, my grace covers you and it is MY strength that will see you through. You don’t need anything else.” Paul said, ‘Alrighty then.”
As followers of Christ, WHEN WE ARE WEAK, HE IS STRONG! (remember the children’s song we sang in Sunday School? Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong… They are weak but He is Strong. Jesus Loves me, Yes, Jesus Loves me. For the Bible tells me so!) Guess what, He loves me! He loves you, too! This Mad Princess KNOWS HIS Grace covers me and HIS STRENGTH WILL SEE ME THROUGH THIS DAY! (and if tomorrow is bad, well, He will see me through that, too!) I may be having a bad day and going through a pile of crap, but I’m never so far gone that I can’t reach out to my Lord.
I leave you with that. Grab your Bible. Turn to 2 Corinthians, Chapter 12. Highlight verses 7-10. You might to reference them some time. You might want to flip back to them when you need a little reminder of how to get through a bad day… any bad day.
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