Whew! It has been a wild ride. Not like Mr. Toads wild ride. (The ride at Disney in case you were not familiar with the reference.) Not like a runaway freight train (not that I would know what that was like although I have imagined what that would be like or is it that I have seen it in a movie or a tv show?) Not like those stupid motorcycle drivers who speed in and out of traffic like they have no common sense and you see them zoom past you and you know they are an accident waiting to happen because they are dressed in regular street clothes and you know that knock off helmet is going to crack like a walnut between two books when it hits the pavement and brains will go splattering everywhere and the road rash will be so bad all the morphine in the world will not help… kind of wild ride. Where was I going with all this?
Oh yeah, its been a wild ride since I last posted. As you can probably tell from my writing, my brain is in hyper-warp. I want it to slow down. I want it to stop. I want it to just be. Just be. How many people can say THAT? I anticipate at some point the preverbal shoe to drop and the pendulum to swing in a direction counter to what it is at the moment; however, I am not quite sure what that is.
When you find yourself throwing up into a towel while you are pooping and you have a headache so bad you think your head is exploding, things look pretty bleak. But never fear, it is always darkest before the dawn, yes?
What was the cause of this despair? Migraine gone bad is the official diagnosis. There are some contributing factors. 1 – remember, this is happening during major drug shake up – note to the wise: be prepared for side effects that you just can’t expect. Look guys, these drugs that “help us” can also “hurt us.” It makes sense. They mess with the chemicals in our brains. We come to depend on them. Our bodies get used to them. When we don’t have them, we miss them and thus, there are unpleasant consequences. These side effects aren’t just in “our head.” It messes with our digestion, our stomach, our movement, our muscles, how we see things, act, walk, talk, etc. We have to be prepared. And when we do not take care of ourselves, take time “off” or rest, uh, there is going to be a few “bumps in the road. ” 2 – side effects of the new meds. Your body has to adjust to the new meds. It is not easy. I know I have gained weight and I am not amused. It has messed up my routines. Sleep is all jacked up (for lack of the scientific term.) Somehow, they have wiggled their way in and tried to adjust my internal “clock” and now my moods are trying to readjust. So far, it hasn’t quite happened, so I am a wee bit “off.” I feel it. 3 – external stressors. Face it. Life happens. We have work, family, pets, friends, etc. Things “pop” up. We have responsibilities. Things just do not and cannot be put on hold because we “feel” bad or are not at our best. This in and of itself causes stress. Believe me, I wish at times I could scream at the top of my lungs, “PLEASE. I need a few! Back off!” But I can’t. It can be frustrating to put on the “Pollyanna” smile and it is more frustrating when someone points out that I have the fake smile. Hey, at least I am trying. Inside I am yelling or crying or holding back some urge to… well, the urge to do something and that takes a lot of strength. People have no idea how much strength it takes. I wish I could open up a window into my brain at times. Then, too, some would never understand what they were looking at. 4 – internal stressors. Processing information is truly a stressor. What is real what is not. What is exaggerated what is not. Come on brain, give me a break. For example, Sunday, I kid you not, randomly throughout the day, various words, conversations, signs, etc. would trigger me to start singing songs… passed a sign for the River church – started mentally singing The River by Garth Brooks; At church, someone said something about climbing the stairs and I started singing the Climb by Hannah Montana; my sister mentioned a mustang and I started singing Mustang Sally… this happened for most of the day…
I guess what I am trying to communicate today, if I am communicating anything today, is sometimes the point of it all is I keep going. Yes. There are days I think about not doing it. My insurance policy has a suicide clause in it. It would pay out if I offed myself. My family would get paid. They could pay off all the debt. My husband is young enough he could find a beautiful not “psychotic” maybe even “normal” woman to spend his golden years with. My kids are old enough to be fine and have proven they are capable and have even told me on numerous occasions they do not need me. I’ve seen how capable they are. Would I? Probably not. I have no desire to harm anyone including myself. Yes, some days I really think about it. Instead, I just try to sleep. A good deep sleep is really good for what ales you. You see, despite it all, I’m still standing.
Like a big old dependable oak tree that has weathered the storm and rain and the treehouse, and the termites that somehow came and went, and the fire ants and nested but were fumigated, and the woodpecker and the birds, it is still standing. May have lost its leaves but they grew back. Branches may have come and gone but the roots, they are deep.
Yes. I am tired. No. I cannot sleep. Yes. My brain is in warp drive. No. I cannot stop it. Yes. It is messy at the moment. No. It is not fair. So much.
I’m still standing. No matter what, I will continue to stand. When your roots are deep, you can weather any storm. That’s the key. The key to deep roots: strong faith.
How’s your faith? How’s your roots?
Comments are closed