I’m back! And it feels great! Where have I been? Here and there and everywhere. You know how it is. Life gets in the way and what do we do? We let it. We make excuses. We say, oh I will do it tomorrow or next week. If I can just get this done I promise I will sit down and take care of… fill in the blank. The sad part, we really mean it. The “normal” person can say that all day long and most times, get away with it. I don’t know about you but being “special” like I am I can’t. Once I do that, it is bound to go into a pile of unfinished projects. Why? Well you see, moods set in. Ahhhh, infamous moods. Have to love them. These moods of mine (and maybe yours) can be a royal pain in the butt. It is one thing to have them. It is one thing to acknowledge them. It is one thing to do all you can to manage them. It is quite a different thing to control them. Triggers pop up. Do they ever! We get wrapped up in “life” and when everything gets going so fast that you just do not seem to know what is up what is down and what is sideways… what do we do? Well, depends on who we are. Some of us give in to them. Some of us fight them. Some of us try to ignore them. Some of us make them beter and some of us make them worse. And the sad part is some of us do all of the above and we really dont try to. And when that happens what do we do? We stop everything except what we absolutely have to do. We try to hide the moods from everyone. Know what that does? Nothing. Those who know us can tell something just isn’t right.
I don’t know about you but in my never ceasing quest to be normal, I will push myself to the point that one mood runs into the next mood and the next mood where I am one big freaking ball of raw emotion. Granted, I have no idea what this “normal” is nor do I truly want to be “it.” But deep down when my moods are all discombobulated I know something isn’t quite “right.” Rather than taking a step back and slowing down (if you know me you know I have two speeds at which I operate – wide open and dead stop) maybe not working on 15 projects at one time; maybe keeping a little more to myself; maybe reaching out to my closest friends and most definately my family and saying hey, Im not feeling by best, What do I do? I keep going. I am starting to think that it is part of “the mood” to see just how far I can push myself. NOT GOOD! It never yields good results – ever! If I am feeling a wee bit depressed, I always end up way depressed. If I am a wee bit manic I always end up WAY manic. If my moods are cycling, well, no one wants to be around me because I am a tornado category 5 with destruction basically on every level. And inevitably, there will be a major and I do mean major crash at some point.
What I do not understand is somewhere in the recesses of my brain, the part that always keeps the rational thoughts, it knows this. I get so very mad at this part of myself for not standing up and taking control. What is wrong with me? Why is it not strong enough to push through all the “crap”? It sees and knows what is going on. Does it do it on purpose? I am smarter than this. And hey, let’s not forget, I am medicated now. Isn’t the medication supposed to stop all of this from happening? I mean, isn’t that the point of the medication in the first place? Why do I suffer from all the countless side effects if it isn’t going to cure me? (If you are on meds you know what I am talking about… and we will address that in a future blog.) It’s like having a little voice whispering in the darkness when really it should be screaming and sending up smoke signals and shooting all the bad things. What’s up with that?
When I have been driven to my knees because finally I have no other recourse, I cry out to God in a manic state or I slowly crawl into my prayer closet and collapse onto my pillow and simply whimper silent tears of desperation, He is there. He has been there. He has been there the whole time. He was there the minute I noticed my mood started to change and he was there the entire time I pretended it was just fine. He listened to my half hearted prayers throughout my episode. He shook his head as I questioned Him as to why me. (something I do on a regular basis.) In the moments when I wasn’t going to get up, when I was going to do something really stupid (usually it is saying something really stupid) He intervened, I just didn’t pay attention. When I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin and I cried out to Him, He calmed the storm in me.
You see, how many people can say they are as functioning as well as I? Not many. My worst day with Jesus is better than a “normal” peron’s best day without Him. Why? Because He is with me; I cannot and will not fail. That is a promise.
I am often accused of having no patience. Oh… I disagree. The world’s definition of patience is, “the capacity, habit, or fact of being patient” which is defined as “bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; not hasty or impetuous.” Well, by that definition, I might be impatient. I am most definately not calm. By my very nature I am uptight, anxious (at least acting) and most definately not calm. I am hasty: I work at warp speed 9times out of ten and honestly, do not like slowing down. Waiting is not my forte. When I am in a mood, it is 1,000 times worse. I don’t so much as complain as I want things to speed along. It always bothered me that my “Armor” of God and “Fruit of the Spirit” had a hole in it because of my impatience. So many people especially family would tell you I am impatient.
Then I read a book by Franklin Graham and did some research in the Bible about Biblical patience. Did you know that bibical patience actually speaks of strength, endurance, persistence, fortitude, staying power – a determined mind – a resilient will. a steadfast spirit and grit? AMEN! I may just have patience after all ! I took another look at Job – we have all heard of the patience of Job – he exercised determination, resilislance and steadfastness – that was his patience. In Romans (I am studying Romans now) “Whatever things were written before were written for our learning that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.” That patience is biblical patience. The Bible also tells us that tribulations result in patience, experience and hope (Romans 5:3-4)
I got excited! For so long I thought there was no hope for me to have “patience.” When in fact, God was showing me I do indeed have patience and I must continue in His way. So what if the world thinks I’m impatient?
This Mad Princess,finally after all this time, fixed her armor; God showed her it was whole… and it has made all the difference.
Comments are closed