One of the things I have grown to like about blogging is learning to write for an audience of one. When I first started, I wrote keeping readers in mind. Now, I write keeping myself in mind. That is after all, what it is truly about. It also makes it easier. I used to wonder what everyone would say or think and believe it or not, it influenced what I would write. It limited me and made it somewhat of a chore. That is not how it was or is supposed to be. I realized, I had to change my mindset.
I love to write. In my head, I have so many ideas. I actually collect ideas as well. I love collecting writing prompts. There is so much you can do with them. You can use them in the obvious way – which is face value writing. You can incorporate them into something you are or plan to write. You can spin it in a way no one imagined or you can do all of that. It is unlimited. Often times, I get so ready to write, I lose sight if the fact that I am not actually writing. In my head, I have written so many novels, screen plays, short stories and more. I think I could fill an entire library.
When I watch a television show or a movie or even read a book, I mull over in my head different plot twists or character changes or ways the story could go, evolve or “spin off.” What is totally outrageous? Is that really necessary? Was that realistic? Can someone relate to that character – place – feeling? Is that the best way to tell the story? Sure, it is just a movie; just a tv show; just a book. But what was the motivation behind its creation? What drew me to it? So often, that which draws me doesn’t always draw others. That ok. It gets a bit frustrating when a show I like gets cancelled. I try to figure out why. The obvious is low ratings. But I want to know why. Why did I like it but no one else did. Why did I chose to read the book and no one else did? Why did I enjoy the movie but it got horrible reviews? My mind works in such a way I even do it in real life. I can be sitting somewhere – anywhere – and while observing just what appears to be ordinary “goings on” I can and many times do, especially if I am a wee bit manic, hypo manic or in a mixed state, script in my head some story as to what is transpiring around me. It can range from completely boring to complexly outrageous. I am flexible enough to adapt it throughout my day or end it abruptly. Sometimes, I jot it down because it is actually pretty decent and if developed, it has the potential to be a pretty good story. Other times, it is just pure amusement.
I’ve been writing since I was a child. I was that kid in grade school who would write paragraphs not just sentences with my spelling words. I won tons of English Fair awards at all sorts of levels. For me, research papers were a treat (and I am not talking about a three page paper; I loved doing forty page papers!) I loved the college classes that assigned tons of writing assignments. Even in my job, I loved writing. I didn’t care what it was as long as I could write it. So, I have to seriously ask the question: why aren’t I writing more?
Uh, that’s a good question and one I don’t really like answering honestly. It isn’t the fear of success. I think I stated it pretty clear in the beginning. Too much time thinking about what someone – an undefined and unknown someone – may say, do or think. For a smart person, I sure can be dumb. I have a sign that hangs over (get this) my writing desk which reads, “Waiting for inspiration to write is like standing at the airport waiting for a train.” Duh! Sad part here is, I have inspiration, I have ideas, I have plots, I have it all. I also have made excuse after excuse after excuse. One big excuse I have used is, “I can’t write conversation.” Did you know I spent a couple years reading plays so I could learn the “art” of dialog? Yep. That was my rationale. Turns out I read a whole lot of great plays I would have otherwise missed out on but I never mastered writing dialog. A few weeks ago, I spent a couple hours (literally – not making this up) going through the books I had on hand. Know what I found? There wasn’t a boatload of conversation in them. Not direct conversation. Granted there was some but it wasn’t like there was page after page of captivating, gripping, page turning conversation. All this time, I used that as a stupid excuse. (Kind of like using the excuse not to blog because of what someone might say or the topic might not be received well or… uh huh. You get the point.)
Here are a few truths I need to accept:
- I am not getting any younger
- I have wasted enough time making excuses
- My mind will deteriorate at some point and I will not have the ability to create the way I do now
- The deterioration of my mind will also cause my “moods” to worsen and thus, I will lose my ability to focus and inevitably control my moods the way I do now
- The chances of me having dementia are greater than that of someone without manic depression. Couple that with my family’s history and the reality of the matter is I just may end up being the crazy old lady who bites people (just be sure to hang a superhero costume – not spiderman – in my closet and convince me every now and then I was a super hero
- I am wasting talent
What is talent? Talent is a gift from God. It grows in effectiveness with use. It is intended to be used on behalf of others. It can be learned or natural or a combination of both. Let’s not confuse a talent with a Spiritual gift. A Spiritual gift is given by the Holy Spirit and is given directly to the believer by the Holy Spirit. Christians and non-Christians can have talents but only Christians who have accepted Jesus are endowed by the Holy Spirit with a Spiritual Gift. Don’t be alarmed. Both should glorify God especially if you are a true follower of Christ. Personally, I believe your talents should reflect your spiritual gift(s) – at least in some way. I believe this because if you truly walk with the Holy Spirit, He should be with you in all you do.
James 1:17a tells us that EVERY good and perfect gift is from above – that includes talents. They just do not manifest on their own. 1 Corinthians 12:6 states, “There are different kinds of working but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.” Which goes into one of my favorite verses, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men” Colossians 3:23. Basically – whatever I do, put my heart into it and work for the Lord. Use what He has given me. Don’t waste it. And remember, it isn’t “they” I am doing it for. It isn’t “them” I am seeking approval from. It isn’t “their” opinion that matters. It is HIS.
I think I stated in my last post that sometimes, just sometimes, God pushes us out of our comfort zone because He knows we won’t move on our own. How many times did that occur in the Bible? I think that is why I can relate to the story of Gideon so much. I am grateful that God never gave up on me. That He did not take my gifts away from me. That He didn’t remove my passion for doing it from me. That despite my uncertainty and fear and questions, He kept sending me reminders. I can hear Him, “One more time, my child. You are equipped. ” “You can do this.” “What are you waiting for?” “I do not give you talents for you to waste them.” “Have you ever thought that is what your mind needs to do?” “No one can stop you but you, I assure you.”
As of late, it has been a loud voice. I picked up my trumpet and torch. I realized trains don’t go anywhere near the airport. So, as I write this last paragraph with a little trepidation, I can honestly say, I’m on the plane. It’s a wee bit scary. But I know my true audience. I need to get to work.
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