Practice

My shrink (please know I use this term with endearment. He is good at what he does and since he sees me and has for as long as he has, that is and of itself is a testament to his profession. This blog; however is not about my shrink. Maybe a later one.) Getting back to what I was saying… my shrink has suggested and often mentions meditation. I think he calls it “Mindfulness.” Of course, at first, I laughed it off.

Imagine trying to find calm driving a car in the middle of the Audubon when your radio is stuck on full blast when your windows are rolled down and the cars next to you are blasting their radios full blast with different genres of music; the billboards littering the side of the road are electronic and flash random messages as you drive by; you’re drinking a red bull, downing McDonald’s french fries, smoking a cigarette, reading a text message all while wearing 5 inch stilettos, in a stick shift with a hang over. The sad part is, you are singing the song the car behind you is playing, you actually can read the messages on the billboards, you pick up all the licence plates not because they are random but because they make patterns. Even though the speedometer registers 110 you pass the cars or they pass you and they seem like they are driving so very slow. The gray’s seem to sparkle and the reds are blinding.  And even though you know where you are going, you still manage to get lost. And in all that, you are supposed to be mindful? What is worse is to be mindful when the world is dark. When it grows silent and dull. When every ounce of energy is spent merely breathing. Trust me, there is no energy to sit up let alone, focus. Then to consciously think.

I faught the whole meditation/mindfulness thing for quite sometime. I did turn to the Bible and learn that Jesus did “meditate.” He retreated to quiet places and he prayed. What? Could it be? Was there something to this I was not seeing? No. That was not possible.

I ran across a book. (I already had this huge book on meditation and mindfulness I had purchased. Owned it for well over 6 months. And in that time, I have never made it past page 6. I tried and tried and tried but just could not stomach it.) It was a simple book written by a journalist Dan Harris. I liked Dan Harris and remember watching him on TV. It was called 10% Happier. I figured what the heck. I’ll give it a shot. So I bought it and read it. It all clicked. The way he presented it was real, funny and relatable. In fact, several times, I found myself saying, that’s me!

I am proud to report I can successfully sit and be “mindful” for a whole 90 seconds! That is an amazing accomplishment for me. But what is even more amazing is I can use that in any situation now. Does it always work? No. But it gives me the opportunity to stop, breathe and in that moment become aware of what is going on around me. That has made a huge difference.

What I didn’t expect to happen is how it would change my prayer life. I have always believed in the power of prayer. After participating in a Bible study on the Armor of God I became more serious about prayer. After the movie War Room came out, I even made a “Prayer Closet.” This has made a huge difference for me. I don’t think prayer is something to be willy nilly about. Then, too, I believe we should be in constant communication with God.

What my journey of meditation and mindfulness taught me is intention. That, I think is the whole point of meditation. To be intentional with your thoughts. To be mindful of the moment. I think in the discipline I lack to do “it” right, I found elsewhere.

On days when I struggle; when my mood has me on the “Audubon”;  when patterns leap off everything; when I can’t get out of bed; when nothing makes sense; when tears flow for no reason or for every reason; when life seems unbearable; when I am at my weakest or most “invincible” ; when coping is all I seem to be doing or when I just know… I retreat to my prayer closet and drop to my knees.  Know going to the Lord in prayer on my knees is normal for me. I believe in it whole hardheartedly. This however is different.

I drop to my knees. I close my eyes. On my left I can see and feel a raging tornado. Its massive. The debris is flying everywhere. Its destruction is deadly. I can almost taste the dust and feel the shards of glass and wood it is tossing at me. To my right is a raging hurricane. The winds howl with a fury as they bash and thrash. The rain penetrates everything in its path. It is pure destruction. Behind me, is a raging fire. It crackles and sizzles. It howls and haunts. The heat alone fries and it is ominous and unforgiving. As I sit in the middle I reach out to the darkness in front of me. I cry out. And there I see it through tear gazed eyes. A hand reaching back for me. “Grab my hand, Carrie”

“I can’t”

“I have you.

“I can’t”

“Focus on me; not the storms.”

“I can’t”

“I have you”

Over and over I hear – “Come to me.” “It’s Ok.” “I will not fail you.” “You are mine.” “Do not look at that, look at me.”

It is a feeling I cannot describe.  The hand becomes outstretched arms. Do I have the strength and faith to go?

And when I take His hand and He pulls me into His arms, I no longer feel the fire; I no longer feel the winds or the rain or the raging nightmare of storms. I am calm. My tears dry. My heartbeat calms. My breath slows. I am safe. I am loved. I am cherished. I am at rest.

My mind calms. “You are my child.”

I have, actually, at times, fallen asleep. Which in some cases is the first time in days I slept with no dreams, no waking, just slept.

I took myself to the Lord and He answered me. He held me. He was mindful. I took the 10% strength I had left and placed it in the hands of the one who makes me whole. Call it what you want. I call it Grace. I call it love. I call it the best medicine.

I did learn about that from a book. Just not the books one might think. I also learned how to do it from practice and a relationship. Just not the practice one might think.